In which I compose a romantic letter to my hypothetical future husband. Read the other Dating While Weird posts here.
Dear Hypothetical Future Husband,
First of all, let me publicly berate you for showing up so late. I thought you’d be one of those guys who’s always on time…? I ain’t got all day.
We are married, so that means you decided to hitch your wagon to me in spite of my loud laugh, annoying morning energy, and obsession with cute doggie butts. We’ve reached an understanding when it comes to my behavior when I’m hungry. It is cute that you pretend not to like my cat even though she is the best and you know it.
I am glad we don’t have to be embarrassed about pooping around each other. That’s true romance right there. Our car-ride sing-alongs thrill me and you look very sexy when you pay bills. Every time I see your face, imagine me dramatically passing out like those girls in the front row at a Beatles concert because I can’t believe that you like, like-like me. You’re so cute I want to punch you.
At this time I will remind you our contract does clearly state that I get a free pass for Mike Rowe should I ever have the chance.
Me on phone: Oh, is that not how this works?
…This just in, that is not how marriage works.
Thank you for loving me in spite of my flaws. For understanding that although I have been married once before, it was nothing like you and me. Thank you for saying I’m beautiful even when I’ve just woken up and I smell and my hair is wack and it’s clear you’re lying.
Thank you for entertaining the idea of having kids with me. We will be great parents. I hope that together we will embarrass the shit out of the kids as often as possible. I am pretty sure that’s the only reason anyone has kids to begin with.
Thank you for forgiving me when I admit that I was wrong, even though it might have taken me an annoyingly long time to admit it. Thank you for laughing at my jokes. I am a brilliant comedian and should be recognized as such.
Thank you for inviting me into your life. As we get older and our single-person tenure adds up, it gets harder to compromise. We are all used to having it our own way. I’m proud that we love each other enough to work on it. But for real can you put the seat down when you’re done?
I love you so very, very much. Here’s to you and me.
Your Future Hypothetical Wife