I’m getting older, dawg. With every year that goes by, it feels like losing a foothold on something that I didn’t realize I was standing on until I started slipping. Fertility? Youth? Who knows.
Dating is fun…until it’s not fun anymore.
Every time I end a relationship, it’s like, “Damn, back to the drawing board.” Gotta start over and get to know someone new, all from scratch. It’s a lot of work letting someone into your life like that, and when you start to show them your sparkle, it’s hard not to be hesitant and afraid of the rejection you might be facing.
BUT! The plus side is that you start to figure it out along the way – figuring out the things that are treats to you and the things that make you feel blech and like you settled.
Do you like to give and receive affection freely, both privately and publicly? Don’t date any more someones who don’t want to hold your hand. Treat yoself.
It is nice to be a priority in someone’s life. Everybody is going to have life-stuff that is important to them and is also not you (work, hobbies, kids, family), but someone is going to meet you and be like, “DAMN, yes, you are awesome, please enter my life and stay there. You are very important to me and also you are very sexy, let’s kiss.” Find that person. Treat yoself.
Into interesting, deep, and meaningful conversations? Quit dating people who look at you like you’re a cyclops when you bring up a philosophical question. Find a fellow conversationalist. Treat yoself.
TREAT. YO. SELF. You deserve someone who mostly is a treat to you. I’m not saying that they’ll never be chopped liver – no one is perfect and every relationship has chopped liver times now and again – but they should mostly be a delicious and fluffy cupcake.
I am going to give you some advice that is somewhat questionable, but also important and I think you should follow it: make a list of must-have qualities in a mate. I’ll walk you through it:
- Open a notebook or the notes app on your phone.
- Start typing a list of things that your ideal mate would embody. Needs, not wants. Don’t think too hard about it, just barf them out. It might be helpful to think about the cringey things you’ve experienced in relationships and write down their opposites.
- Are you done? Good. Now go back, start from the top of the list, and delete all the things that are physical.
- Can you hear me now? Good. Now go back, start from the top of the list, and delete all the things that are not deal breakers. Did you write “never married”? What if the hypothetical person has every other quality you listed, but was once married. Would you make an exception? Yes? Then it doesn’t get to be on the list.
Here’s my list:
Save your list. Don’t refer to it often, but do refer to it sometimes. As you can see, I made mine in 2014 and haven’t modified it since then. I open it every now and again, like when I first start seeing someone new, or maybe after a breakup, to see if I am getting the things that I need out of these relationships. Am I treating myself?
How do you feel about treating yoself vs. settling when it comes to relationships? Do you have “the list” too?
Psst! Hey, you! Read the other Dating While Weird posts here!