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Pro Prep Diaries: Imposter Syndrome and Bigorexia

By 100 Comments

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself, “I wonder if anyone can even tell I work out.”

On a subconscious level, of course I know that this is ridiculous. I have noticeably large shoulders, arms, and even pretty apparent pecs. Of course they can tell I lift. But on some other, darker level, I really, truly, can’t see that when I look in the mirror.


This is the stuff people don’t talk about, but we should. Because so many bodybuilders deal with these feelings. To me it seems like a combination of your run-of-the-mill body dysmorphic disorder and a sentiment laughingly known as “bigorexia” – the feeling that you could never be muscular enough for your own liking.

In my experience, this goes hand in hand with imposter syndrome, which is for a high-achieving individual to be unable to accept that they earned their achievements through hard work, and chalking them up to luck instead. (Imposter syndrome was named in 1978 by two psychologists who published this study.)

However fleeting, I have feelings of imposter syndrome all the time. Sometimes while scrolling through Instagram, a wave of what I’d describe as panic washes over me. “I’m going to get up on that pro stage and look like an idiot next to all these seasoned athletes.” “Everyone is bigger than me.” “Maybe I only turned pro because the judges like me.”

Junior Nationals Figure Class C 2015

Other times, I’ll finish a workout having enjoyed it and think, “I didn’t suffer enough,” “I didn’t work hard enough,” or “prep isn’t supposed to be fun”.

And when people come up to me at the gym to tell me I inspire them to push harder or ask me a question about how to train this or that body part, I wonder, “Why are they asking me? I’m just another gym-goer like them.”

These thoughts are defeatist, they are not useful, and they are not true. So I’m going to dispel my own negative thoughts right now so that I can let them go:

  • First of all, I certainly do look like I lift. I mean, come on.
  • I’m not going to look stupid next to the other pros because I AM A PRO TOO.
  • I didn’t earn my pro card because of favoritism. I earned my pro card because I worked hard for it.
  • There’s nothing wrong with enjoying my exercise* . Hell, no one should be competing if they don’t enjoy working out at least most of the time, right? *NSFW classic Schwarzenegger video, hehe
  • People are asking me questions at the gym because what I’m doing is working.

Okay, great. Now I can get on with my life.

I encourage you to become aware of these kinds of thoughts when you have them. Maybe write them down like I’ve done here, and read through them one by one, explaining to yourself why they aren’t true. If that’s hard, have someone you love tell you why they’re not true instead! It’s very common to have negative feelings like these and with this post, I want to remind you that you’re not alone, and you’re not weird.

Here is the latest progress comparison. Since I skipped a week, I’m comparing this week with two weeks ago. Amazingly, according to the scale, there’s a difference of -7 lbs. from the left picture to the right picture. I have no idea how that could be true, but I guess the scale doesn’t lie.

Pro Prep Diaries 9-7 weeks

If you’re an athlete, have you experienced “bigorexia”? Even if you aren’t an athlete, have you ever struggled with imposter syndrome?

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Comments

  2. First of all, I don’t know how I missed this post. And secondly, all I can say is, Yes hunny, you NAILED IT! I deal with this alllll the time. I definitely struggle with body dysmorphia, especially in the off season. Augh. This prep has been a bit more challenging than the others because I went from being what I thought was 8 weeks out back to being 12-13 weeks out. At the end of the day, I trust my coach, so I know pushing my show date back was the right call. But no matter what people tell me, “You look great, You’re getting leaner, Your traps and back are on point….” and so on, I still don’t see what everyone else sees when I look in the mirror. And I do the same thing every morning; I wake up, look at myself in the mirror and sigh saying that I think I’m losing my gains or I need to see more progress with my quads or shoulders. I’ve been speaking everything that I’m not, rather than all that I am. So you’re right, this kind of negative thought has no place in my heart, mind or thoughts. I will follow your advice and right down all the negative and then right down all positive affirmations.

    The fact is I may not be where I want to be, but I’ve come such a long way. I work hard, competition prep is challenging, but I’m pushing through. I’m a WINNER, and that’s what I will speak over my life. You ROCK…thanks for this post! 🙂

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    • I know right? I totally wish I could just enjoy my offseason without pining over my in-season body. Such a struggle. Good luck to you as you continue with your prep and thank you so much for reading!! xoxo

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  4. I think I have definitely felt with imposter syndrome a few times in my life! I think most people have. It’s hard to give yourself the right credit when you achieve something amazing. It’s easier to brush it off as luck or what I have said many times, anyone can do it…. When that’s usually not the case lol…

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  8. I think a lot of us are much more hyper sensitive to body types because there are so many people sharing their weight loss progress, work out routines and things like that all over social media. We can easily get caught up in it if we are not careful. I battled an eating disorder many years ago and then I gained a lot of weight. So, its been hard for me to find balance, but I have finally reached a point where I love working out and even crave it.

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  9. You are so amazing! I love your drive, I understand exactly what you are saying about these disorders they are so life controlling =. Thank you for sharing,

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  10. I think for most of us it’s hard to reach a state of being and to feel satisfied. I think in realizing that it makes it easier to know when we aren’t seeing things clearly. Hopefully!

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  12. I’ve been seeing a personal trainer and know how easy to get obsessed with working out and measuring our improvement. I guess the big thing is to enjoy the journey rather than the results. Great job.

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  13. Okay, there are two things I relate to in this post. One: scrolling through Instagram and having thoughts (for me it is of not having a life like these people). Two: When I look in the mirror, I don’t see what I actually look like. What is really weird, is that I see myself as looking better than I do. It is really odd! The only time I see what I really look like is in photos. Strange, huh?

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  16. I think imposter syndrome is something a lot of people probably experience, be it related to working out or just life in general. I know there are days where I feel
    Like everything is chance and none of the work I’ve put in to my job etc has anything to do with where I’ve ended up.

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  17. You look fantastic! I think a lot of us suffer from something like this. Not being able to see our bodies for what they really are.

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  18. I think everyone with what you call imposter syndrome at least once or twice in their lives. For me it has to do with bookkeeping/accounting. I can never really believe that people have always come to me for the answers or that accountants tell me how good I am–oh well–at least I am semi retired now–and don’t have to think or worry about this any longer!!

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  19. I imagine everyone feels this way about what they do now and again. That feeling of “Why am I doing this? I’m a complete fraud and it is obvious that I don’t know what I’m doing!” Obviously, in your case, this isn’t true in the slightest, but I can understand your feelings.

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  20. I’m sure many athletes feel this way. You put so much of yourself and your life into this and you hope that others will recognize your devotion and practice. You look amazing! I admire your passion for bodybuilding!

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  21. I didn’t know athletes felt this way. It’s good that you have a tactic that you use to get you back when those thoughts are starting to run. I can’t say I’ve felt imposter syndrome…unless I count the few times I was able to adult and keep the kids alive? Does that count? lol

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  22. I can’t imagine anyone not being able to tell you are working out! I haven’t suffered from imposter syndrome, but I’ve had a lot of people attribute it to me: “You were born smart”, “You don’t need to study because you make excellent educated guesses”, and so on. You’re absolute proof that following a path of hard work designed to reach a goal will render that result if you stay at it faithfully. Congratulation.

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  23. I’ve never heard of it before! but you look FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC! Look at you!!! I’m over here pregnant and seriously looking at your photos in awe. I can’t wait to get back into the running and working out!

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  24. No I haven’t heard of it before but you look awesome! It’s amazing to see how your body has changed over these months. Great job!

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  25. I think you look fabulous! I’m a bit chunky so I’d love to be as fit as you. I’ve begun working out more regularly and can tell a difference. But I have quite a bit left to lose!

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  26. I haven’t heard of bigorexia before, but the imposter syndrome isn’t isn’t a new thing for me. It does not happen often, but when it does, I like to make a list of positive things and that helps a lot.

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  27. My bestfriend should read this post/story. I remember she’s always complaining about her body. She keep on saying and asking me if she’s getting fatter and bigger every month. I feel so sad for her because some people or some of our friends are just joking whenever they telling she’s getting fatter and fatter and fatter, it makes her more upset and worry.

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  28. Your hard work is absolutely paying off! Sometimes it s hard for us to see a difference when we are constantly looking at our bodies, that is why progress photos are so important!

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  29. Thanks for sharing your story. Body Builders seems to exude such confidence, it’s surprising to know that you also experience body image issues. In any case, I can definitely tell you lift. You look amazing!

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    • I was a little taken aback too. You would assume with all that strength comes confidence. Underneath all the muscles, we all have our insecurities.

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  32. I think it really does help to write things down like you did here. Great idea to read them back to yourself. I think we always tend to be harder on ourselves and be the hardest judge.

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  33. I love what you are doing here by putting it out there. I also love that you were able to dispel those myths. It definitely helps to write things down.

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  34. Interesting read. I don’t have experience with bigorexia. I do think people spend too much time comparing themselves to others. People should find what makes them happy and stick with that.

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  38. I have never heard about bigorexia until now. I guess beauty or brawn is on the eye of the beholder. You look fabulous, keep it up.

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  39. Bigorexia is a new term to me but I understand the concept. At some point in our lives, we will all struggle with being satisfied with our achievements. The difference for most is that the evidence isn’t visible in a mirror. I don’t know anything about body building but you appear to be well accomplished. It look like you put a lot of hard work into it.

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  41. I’ve never heard of the term “bigorexia” but I have suspected some people don’t feel big enough and have seen some folks go to the extreme. You look fabulous. That’s proof you are no imposter. You’re definitely earning your keep with that body. You can’t get that fit without putting in the work. AMAZING!

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  43. We have big doses of imposter syndrome here in our house especially as my husband gets ready to finish his PhD. We openly talk about the moments when we feel like this and because we’re in it together it makes it that much easier. Thanks for sharing your journey.

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    • I can definitely see how imposter syndrome would affect someone in academia. Glad you have open communication about it! Good luck to him with his defense or whatever it is that lies ahead!

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  44. Ya know…. This really hit home for me. I feel like as woman no matter where we are or the progress we’ve made we aren’t “good” enough. I do this too. I see small amounts of fat and blah!!! Or even with jobs… we think someone will figure us out that we don’t really deserve it or know what we are doing. Men don’t think like this! We need to all work on this and know we are worthy and build each other up.
    You are seriously fierce and I know you are going to accomplish big things.

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  47. I can understand the fear of getting to the next level in competition and feeling like you do not compare to the rest. That is when we have to get out of our head.

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  48. You look amazing and will look just as good as everyone else no matter what level you are at. I can totally relate to feeling like that.

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  50. I’m not athletic but I do run a lot and I manage to still have an average body. It’s good that you are really build well and you’ve worked hard for it too.

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  52. OK I can definitely tell that you lift from your photos but maybe in regular clothing I might not be able to. I wouldn’t even know what to look for anyway. BTW I’m just loving your kitty photobomb. 🙂

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  55. You go on that stage with the confidence that you are amazing! Good luck with all of your body building training.

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  56. It can be so hard to like your body, no matter how you appear to others. I think most women struggle with it in some way or another. I don’t muscle-build so I don’t have “bigorexia” but I definitely don’t see myself as I actually am sometimes! We can be our own worst critics

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  60. I think we tend to judge ourselves much harder than we would anyone else.
    We expect more and have a much higher standards that we would ever expect anyone else to achieve.
    I haven’t heard of either of these disorders before but they totally make sense after reading about it.
    Your going to do great! Stop listening to those voices in your head…they lie. 😉

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  62. You look fantastic – keep up the good work. Own your success and progress. Your only comparison should be to the person you were.

    Women seem to feel like imposters in most aspects of life – be it professionally or as mothers. I think we need to apply kindsight and realise that we are accomplishing more than our previous generations have and will. We can break those glass ceilings and make a difference – just as you are.

    Whilst media plays a role in reinforcing certain messages be weight, notions of beauty etc WE can also choose which of the messages we give heed to or discard. We don’t have to purchase certain magazines or compare our progress with others. Let’s do our own things and inspire others by living authentically.

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  63. Sometimes we are definitely our worst critics. YES, you can tell you’re a pro! Yes, you’re in awesome shape. I had never heard of bigorexia before.

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  65. I wish I was one tenth as toned and muscular as you are. You look fantastic and your hard work pays. I work out a little and get very upset if my size 0 jeans don’t fit. That’s not a healthy or fun way to live. Society is tough on girls/women to meet certain standards.

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  67. You are killing it! I know we all doubt ourselves at times, but from an outsider’s perspectivI’m in awe of what you are doing. Such self-control and dedication. Can’t wait to see you competing.

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  70. I know EXACTLY where you’re coming from. I’m by no means an athlete so I can’t comment on that but I feel like an imposter with blogging, my jewelry making, virtual assistant-ing…pretty much anything I do. I feel if I don’t have the schooling/education that says I’m a professional, I’m really not. I know that’s wrong and SO many people are professionals without having a piece of paper telling them they are but I just can’t help but feel like I’m just ‘pretending’ half the time.

    BTW you look absolutely fantastic! You can definitely tell you lift 😉

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  71. We have a family acquaintance who had been really unhealthy and obese but has lost the weight and become super athletic. She resembles the characteristics you describe in this post where it appears she can’t get muscular and healthy enough though working out has absorbed her life and she is very physically fit now.

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  72. I go go through feelings just like this, but not related to working out, etc. To be anything you need to block everyone else out and just go for it. You are enough.

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  73. It’s amazing how we see ourselves in such a negative light sometimes and how we question ourselves. I have also felt like an imposter at times.

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  74. I think that it is important to be aware of these thoughts as you are having them too. It’s important to know what areas we are not as confident in and to work on building ourselves up in those areas.

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  77. I have never dealt with it in regards to working out but I have dealt with it in regards to self-image. It is really crazy the tricks our mind can play on us i regards to our looks.

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  78. I go through it all the time. I will look at a very obese woman and tell hubby, that is how I see myself and even though I know I am nowhere near that size, that is how I SEE myself. It is nuts. I am sorry you go through it, as well, but a part of me is relieved I am not the only one who goes through it

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  80. I have not heard of these disorders but I can see that people have them! I always look harshly on myself. I am trying to get in share and it doesn’t go as fast as I want it to go sometimes and I get frustrated! You do inspire me to keep going!! You look awesome!

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  81. Wow you look amazing. Now i just feel guilty for not having completed my afternoon walk because son got sick. But on a positive note you are looking fierce and you’re going to be amazing up there. I have complete faith in you that you will be wonderful.

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  82. I’ve never heard of either of these disorders, but they make sense to exist. I have a hard enough time just being active, but to look like you do, would be amazing! I hope you are able to figure out how to find a healthy balance.

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  85. I didn’t know it had a name, but it is something I certainly have felt. While I don’t want to come across as vain or conceited, it’s okay to recognize your hard work and the payoffs because of it.

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  86. I don’t lift, but I do suffer from imposter syndrome sometimes. I hit a milestone today and, while it was over a year in the making, I felt like I didn’t set the bar high enough and that I could have done better. I’m 44 and am in the best shape of my life. I don’t know why that’s so hard to embrace at times.

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  87. I have something similar, yet different. I look in the mirror and I see myself about 100 lbs heavier than I really am. I have no idea what I really look like because I see myself double the size I actually am 🙁

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  88. You look great. I can’t tell the difference between the two photos. They look the same to me. I used to workout 5 days a week, but I’m taking a break in order to get my business back in order and have more time for my kids. I never suffered from bigorexia.

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