What you read in the title is the truth. After much anticipation over the past few months about competing this spring, I decided not to.
What happened?
The reason why isn’t very glamorous. I’m not getting married or having a baby. I’m not moving or buying a house. The reason I decided not to compete this year is that I’m struggling with severe depression right now.
I’ve had depression for all of my adult life, and I’ve been on and off (but mostly on) medication for it the whole time. Even while on medication, my depression takes a sharp turn for the worse in the wintertime. It’s cold, it’s gray, and it gets dark before dinner time; the perfect recipe for a mental health disaster.
Throughout November and December, I did four things: work out, try to write, eat, and sleep. And the only one of those four things that came easily to me was sleep.
When I’m depressed, everything seems awful. I can’t get excited about anything, even things I normally enjoy. I can’t see any good in anything, even in myself. I feel lazy, unproductive, tired, and like a failure. Everything feels overwhelming, and the littlest things (sounds, comments, minor setbacks) send me into a tailspin. I feel like a gray, emotionless blob with nothing to live for.
This picture makes me sad because I’m forcing a smile. Depression makes it hard to enjoy your life.
To escape feeling that way, the only thing I can think to do is sleep. There were days this winter that I could barely get out of bed to eat. I’d drag myself to the gym and feel better after I worked out, but only temporarily. Within an hour I’d go back to feeling like a gray emotionless blob again.
Then in January I began contest prep for a bodybuilding competition this April. I had to choke down six meals a day when I’d rather just eat four or five. I had to cut out my favorite heavy weights workouts in favor of not-very-fun plyometric- and HIIT-based ones to help me achieve great conditioning. I couldn’t go out on dinner dates with my boyfriend anymore. And all of this was on top of the worse-than-usual depression I’d already been struggling with for the past two months…I felt out of control of my life.
I don’t want to hate bodybuilding, and if I were to go through this prep process in my current state of mind, that’s what would end up happening. So after a few evenings crying about it and asking people I trust for advice, I decided to stop competition prep until I could get my mental health back in order.
There will always be another competition around the corner, but I don’t get a re-do on my twenties. I have to listen to what my mind and body are telling me, and they’re telling me they need a break right now.
What I’m doing to get better
I removed a mental health obstacle: competition prep. With one less stressful situation, I feel more in control.
I saw my doctor and had my depression medication dosage adjusted.
Whenever I think of it, I track my mood and emotions with the free app Pacifica. It charts my feelings with a line graph that helps me notice patterns in my thinking — it’s amazing how much self-awareness can help. I highly, highly recommend this app to anyone who struggles with depression or anxiety.
I started going to a spin class to get me out of the house and around people more. Since I work from home, I have to make an effort to be around other people. If I don’t, I get into a funk.
I also started going to a yoga class at my gym. I used to practice yoga all the time and got away from it over the years. Yoga makes me feel very centered and is a form of meditation for me, so this is a necessary addition to my routine.
I joined Meetup.com as well as a number of “what’s happening in my town” groups on Facebook so I can feel more in touch with my new city. And I’m going to be regularly planning fun activities for my boyfriend and I to participate in so we don’t spend every night at home. Tomorrow for Valentine’s Day we’re going to dinner and to a “wine and design” night!
If you are depressed
Please talk to someone who cares about you. They may not understand what you’re going through, but they can listen and help you think through some next steps.
If you are suicidal, PLEASE call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 now.
I wanted to come back and say thank you again for this post. It helped me to get my son some much-needed help. thank you for sharing.
These are definitely some great ideas to consider when it comes to depression and anxiety. I think sometimes stepping away from the computer and social media is important too.
thank you for this. I really needed this post after what we learned at the doctors this week with my son. So again thank you.
Depression is a tough thing to beat. However, I’ve been there and sometimes we just have to cut things out of our life to recoup and let our minds clear up.
This is an incredible post. Thank you so much for being candid about such an important topic!
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. But you are an inspiration for sharing your story. Depression is a hard battle and you really need someone to go through it. Hoping you’ll feel better soon and enjoy life with your loved ones. 🙂
Thank you 🙂
I agree that people need to make sure and take care of their health, ALL their health whether physical or mental. Each person is too important to not see the worth they have. I hope many people heed your advice and figure out what is needed to get themselves healthy.
Definitely not an easy thing to write about and most definitely not an easy thing to experience. Thanks for your candor and openess. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
That app sounds perfect for me. I will have to give it a try. I think it is a good idea to keep track of how you are feeling. I am sorry you have been so down. I look forward to reading more of your posts when you get back in the swing of things. Feel better soon.
Winter can be a hard time of the year for so many people that suffer from depression. I think you made the right call taking the time off to take care of yourself. I hope you start to feel better soon.
Depression is such a hard battle. I too have suffered from it off and on my whole life. I’m so glad you are getting out amongst people. I totally understand the wanting to sleep.
Depression and Bi-Polar runs strong in my family. I am thankful to just have seasonal depression. I live in MA and would love to move to NC to combat the weather. At the end of the day, you are beautiful and have your whole life ahead of you. If you feel like competing some day, and feel good about it, go for it.
Thank you. I know that seasonal depression is tough to deal with every year – yay for spring!
I’m so glad to hear you took a step back to get yourself together. Depression is a real, serious thing, and you have to take care of yourself first.
I know that this is something that you love to do and so I am so sorry to see that you are struggling, I wish you all the best and happiness!
This is such an open and honest post. Depression is something that I have suffered with on and off my entire life. I respect you for sharing this.
Awesome post! Love that you were able to open up about the struggles, I know it’s not easy. Best of luck to you!!
What a good post. Thank you for opening up about your struggles. I am glad that fitness is helpful to you.
That’s not fun feeling that way. It’s so hard to change your mindset. I feel for you. I see it happen in many students – as I teach. I want to fix things for them.
I’ve been feeling off for 2 or 3 months. I went to the doctor because I couldn’t breathe well, and got put on antibiotics. Well it turned into asthma. Every night about about 5 I can’t breathe well. Finally I called the doctor AGAIN, and basically said, “I need a plan of action. I’m sick of not breathing, taking steriods, having no energy to do anything because I can’t breathe. I feel worthless.” I go see an allergy/asthma doc later this month. The feeling of sickness kind of went into depression.
Feeling sick and not being able to fix it is HARD – here’s hoping you feel better soon.
I am SO sorry that you are going through this! You have always kept me motivated to keep exercising! I pray that you will start to feel better and be able to do what you love again!
Thank you 🙂
I also have major depressive disorder and anxiety. I have had it for most of my adult life as well, but after my husband died unexpectedly it got a lot worse. The weather really does affect it as well. I’m hoping to move someplace where it is sunnier more often in a few years. Thanks for sharing this.
Sunshine is amazing therapy. If you do decide to move somewhere less gray I think you’ll love it.
Thank you so much for speaking out about this. I am sorry you are struggling. I am sure it’s not easy.
It can be tough opening yourself up like this, but it’s so important to share so others know they aren’t alone. Hope for great things for you.
Thank you my friend 🙂